Embracing Self-Compassion

How do You Treat Yourself?

When you think about self-compassion, I wonder what might come to your mind, “That’s too difficult to do, that’s not for me, I’m used to being hard on myself, or, I don’t need to be compassionate, I get things done much better when I’m hard on myself, and that’s all the motivation I need!”

Did you know that in the short term being hard on yourself can help you to get things done and that it can be a great motivator for many people? Look at the people in the military for example, they use a type of tough love strategy and get things done right away. In fact, they do it so well while even being under an immense amount of pressure! They are praised and celebrated for some of the wonderful things they do, but sadly, many of them are celebrated as our own personal heroes for enduring tough love.

Did you know that being hard on yourself can have long term detrimental effects on your own personal well-being, such as your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-acceptance? Long term you can also start to be so hard on yourself that you actually start to dislike yourself and even sometimes hate yourself. This goes not only for people who endure tough love who are in the military, but can also be for people who grow up with parents who have taught them to be hard on themselves. I am sure we may have heard our parents say from time to time, “stop crying, pull yourself together, you'll be fine!” Well, you know what, sometimes we are not fine, and it’s important to acknowledge when we are not. Sometimes our mind, body and spirit need a little bit of gentleness and kindness to feel better, and that this type of language might work a little better than that tough love stuff.

What is Self-Compassion Therapy?

I like to use a type of therapy called Self-Compassion therapy. It’s a type of therapy that helps us to stop being so hard on ourselves, and instead, teaches us to be compassionate, kind, gentle and tender instead. It helps teach us that being more compassionate to ourselves in the long run can be a much better and more enjoyable way to live our lives. In fact, it can not only help us to feel better, but it can also help us to decrease some of those tough love tendencies. Once we start to implement these phrases, we can then begin to enjoy having more self-acceptance and become who we were truly meant to be, all the while in the process of making some wonderful changes. If you are someone who was taught to be hard on yourself, I invite you to try to be a little gentler instead and with a soft touch to your heart. You can try this by talking to yourself in a way in which you might offer support to a friend, or maybe in a way that you might talk to a little baby that is crying. We can say things like, “It’s okay to make a mistake, I am here for you, maybe we can try a little better next time, or we don’t have to do everything so perfect right now and that's okay.” Learning to use little phrases like this can have a significant impact on our self-esteem and self-worth in many ways we might not have known even existed. Imagine how we might feel if we replaced using 50 harsh phrases to whip ourselves into shape each day and replaced them with 50 phrases of kindness and self-compassion instead. I am willing to bet you might find you are enjoying yourself a little bit more each day and find you are beginning to like yourself in ways in which you could not imagine. You might even find yourself laughing at some of those silly mistakes you make, and even some of those really really big mistakes! In the end, we all are imperfect human beings, and if we choose to embrace our imperfections with love and tenderness, we might find life to be a little more peaceful and a lot more enjoyable. 

Who Created Self-Compassion Therapy?

Kristin Neff is a renowned researcher and psychologist known for her pioneering work in the field of self-compassion. As an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin, Neff has dedicated much of her career to exploring how self-compassion—the practice of treating oneself with kindness, understanding, and support—can significantly enhance psychological well-being and resilience. Her research highlights the profound benefits of self-compassion in reducing stress, improving emotional regulation, and fostering overall mental health.

Neff is the author of several influential books, including "Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself" and "The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook," which have helped popularize the concept and offer practical strategies for incorporating self-compassion into everyday life. In addition to her academic contributions, she is a sought-after speaker and educator, sharing her insights through workshops, online courses, and public talks. Her work has been instrumental in shifting the focus from self-criticism to self-kindness, providing individuals with valuable tools to navigate life's challenges with greater ease and self-acceptance.

I was fortunate to have trained with her and I have learned how to put these  self-compassionate skills into practice. I have been using self-compassion therapy on myself, with friends and family, and with patients for many years, and I have seen it to be life changing with my own eyes and even with myself.

I can only ask, why not give it a try, what do you have to lose? I am willing to bet your mind, body and soul are just waiting for you to be kind and compassionate towards it…